Drawing A Blank

Sometimes I really struggle to understand myself. I bet that might strike you as an odd thing for me to say right off the bat. Let me explain: Often times I find myself in a rut. I’ll have a list of things that I need to do, but I can’t seem to do them. It’s not like I’m not in the mood, it’s that I just can’t do it. I’m not talking about something I’m not capable of, I just find myself unable to do it at that given time and place.

Example: Say I’m pitching a creative idea to someone. The person I’m pitching to responds to my initial pitch in a way that is positive, but they make it fairly clear that they weren’t convinced. So now I need to explain myself better, but I’m stuck. My idea was perfect, I just couldn’t explain it. It’s my idea, I should be able to sell it, shouldn’t I?

But I just can’t do it. I could have sat there and worked on how to pitch the idea for an hour which seems like an eternity by my usual standards, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even draw it out. The words and images were in my mind, they just wouldn’t leave my mind in the form of communicating it to someone else. Even this attempt to describe my problem is a colossal failure, I’m sure.

It’s as if my IQ suddenly dropped by 50 points, and all I had left is the memory of what was lost.

Part of me says that sitting here around struggling with it isn’t going to help anybody. Part of me says that if I need to take a break from it for an hour or two, or even overnight, and revisit the project later, that that’s okay. My deadline isn’t anywhere near that tight, it’s no problem.

But at the same time, on top of all the pressure I put on myself every time I think about the contents of my checking account or the massive vacuums that have sucked those contents out, I can’t help feeling that this is just another in my long list of personal failures. If I say that I don’t know what to do and I stop trying, I’m a loser. Period, end of discussion. So I sit there and struggle and try to spit it out, but it all comes out dead wrong.

I have the same problem in basic conversation. There are times I can be talking about a subject with someone and my point will flow out flawlessly. Other times, the same discussion can be occurring right in front of me and I have all the answers on the tip of my tongue, but I just stand there and say nothing. No matter how much I want to say something, I stay silent, the words just aren’t there.

This has held me back from a lot of things in my life, I don’t know how much longer I can go watching all of the opportunities to be myself and reach my full potential fade away.

Nevermind me, sometimes I write for people to read, and sometimes I write just because I need to get something off my chest. This was one of those times. Have a good day, hope your New Years was a blast.